Los Angeles' Brightest Star
by Jaiaelle
Summary: Upon moving from New York to Los Angeles, Rachel starts a new journal.  Rachel-centric.  Puckleberry.  Companion to Sweet Home, California.
1. Fresh Start

_Author's Note: This is a companion piece to "Sweet Home, California." If you haven't read that, this should make sense but I encourage you to read that anyway! :) And yes, I'm starting another story with so many WIPs and upcoming stories but...oh well. I can't help it!_

Fresh Start

In lieu of my transition from New York to Los Angeles, I have decided to start a brand new journal! One day, all these journals will come in handy as I sit down to write out my autobiography, which I expect will be a best seller mere days after it's release. Who wouldn't want to read about the life story of Rachel Berry?

Upon making my journey to Los Angeles, I have to admit I was a bit nervous. I have no source of income and, at the time, I had no permanent dwelling to call my own. In a matter of a couple of days, thanks to Artie and Santana, the second part, at least, changed. In only a week and a half, Santana and I will be roommates. Though I am a bit wary about this, as Santana and I never got along all that well in high school, I am determined to make the best of it. And, despite our history, who knows what may become of this? To paraphrase one of my favorite movies, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

After spending a couple of days in the presence of Santana, Quinn, Artie and the other former glee club members who all moved out here, to Los Angeles, together, I found myself growing somewhat jealous. Of all the original members, Noah is the only one I have maintained contact with over the years. In fact, I might even label him as my closest friend period (I must add, parenthetically, that this is why I am overjoyed that he is soon to join me here. Of course, that is in large part due to his feelings for Santana. Their relationship reminds me of something our of a Jane Austen novel. I simply love it!). Besides Noah, I have spoken to none of them, not even on Facebook, which one may find strange considering I attended Julliard with Kurt, Mercedes and Tina. Though they all grouped together, I found myself, like in high school, on the fringes of the University's society.

Perhaps Los Angeles is my chance to start fresh, leaving the friendless Rachel behind. I have already agreed to room with Santana, conspired with Artie and had a wonderful time making pancakes with Matt this very morning.

This is my opportunity to leave New York, Julliard and Jesse St. James behind.

That reminds me. I need to delete the three voice messages he left on my cell phone. I have no desire whatsoever to speak with him.

Ever. Again.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	2. The Three Amigos!

The Three Amigos!

Today I decided to put off the inevitable and forced myself to corner Finn in order to discuss a few things. He seemed rather apprehensive at first but soon relented and we had what was, in my estimation, a very nice chat. Mostly nice.

"Finn," I said to him, making sure my tone was serious so that he would understand how I viewed our impending deliberation. "We are going to be associating a lot in the next several months, perhaps even longer."

"A lot?"

I do not know why he sounded so surprised. Though, this is Finn. Many aspects of life that everyone else is informed on go over his head. "Yes, I am moving in with Santana in about a week now. And I'm sure that, as Santana's roommate, you and I will be seeing each other quite often."

I had much more planned to say but he rather rudely interrupted me. "I don't know what you moving in with Santana has to do with us-"

"Finn," I raised my voice, speaking over him. "I was not done talking and you-"

"It's not like I'm in love with her!"

This declaration took me off guard. I figured that I must have missed whatever he had been saying while I was trying to talk over him. "You're not what?"

Clenching his giant hands into balls (his hands really are quite enormous. When we were dating, they frequently engulfed mine. They were also often clammy but that is beside the point), he replied, sounding very much sincere, "I like her, okay, Rachel? But it's not love. I don't know what it is!"

My plan had gone terribly awry and I couldn't figure out how to get things back on track. Whatever Finn felt towards Santana, my future roommate and possible best friend, along with Quinn, of course (we could be like the female version of the Three Amigos, a film which I admit I have not yet seen, though Noah has told me it's very funny), was something I did not wish to hear for a myriad of reasons.

1) Noah is my current closest friend and Santana is my future best friend and they belong together, end of story. I do not want to be caught in the middle of some torrid love triangle, especially when I have my own romantic headaches to contend with.

2) Finn choosing me to be his confidant in this matter, considering he was my first love, only makes things more awkward for us, not less.

And finally,

3) I simply do not care that much. It's brutal but it's truth.

As politely as I could, I patted his hand and informed him, "I'm sure there's someone else you can talk to about this. Now, as for us, I believe that we can overcome the awkwardness. We used to date. We used to be in love. But we aren't anymore and nothing will happen between us in the future. I believe that we can be friends. Are you in accordance?"

Appearing about as confused as Brittany when one mentions where baby chickens from, Finn scrunched his brow. "I'm not in anything, Rach. Especially not any kind of dance."

Setting my mouth in a firm straight line, I gently amended my statement so that he would comprehend my meaning. "Are you in agreement? Do you think that we can be friends?"

Scratching the back of his neck, he murmured, "Sure."

"Great!" I exclaimed, clapping my hands together.

With that settled, I went in search of Matt, who I believed to be somewhere in the house he shares with Quinn, Artie, Mike and Finn (and Santana, but not for much longer). On my way there, I ran into Quinn and Artie's curious little kitten, Audrey. She tilted her head to one side, then the other, as if evaluating me. I think that she gave me her approval, as she stretched out a paw and tapped my foot.

I wonder if Santana would be opposed to getting a kitten for our new apartment. We could name it Barbra! Or maybe Elphaba. Or Idina. Or…I could come up with a dozen perfect names, I'm sure.

I suppose I also must report on Jesse.

He sent me an email. I will copy his words here instead of paraphrasing.

_Dear Rachel,_

_I don't understand what happened between us exactly but this is ridiculous. What I said that night was not me breaking up with you! I was just frustrated. You can be so overdramatic sometimes. And that includes moving to Los Angeles without even letting me know. I wanted us to work, Rachel. I really did…_

_- Jesse_

Now, journal, be so kind and explain what I am supposed to do now? I suppose that I did overreact a little that night about…about what, I don't recall. Something about how he was spending an exorbitant amount of time with his fellow thespians but not enough with his delightful girlfriend. But, in my defense, I was on edge due to the whole losing my scholarship fiasco and, thus, not being able to attend Julliard any longer. When he snapped and told me to leave, I did. I left New York entirely. To find out I misread the situation is…well, I'm not sure what. I am very confused, journal.

I can't wait until I have a friend with which to discuss all these things. Like Santana. And Quinn.

We WILL be the Three Amigos.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	3. Lemons and Lemonade

Lemons and Lemonade

Today was a rather lack luster day. I spent most of it filling out applications in my hotel room while watching daytime television. I never, ever watch daytime television normally but in the few days that I've been here, I have found myself drawn to the soaps that I used to abhor. The plots are so convoluted and the characters so flawed inwardly yet so perfect outwardly…I'm beginning to understand their appeal. I suppose when I get a job, watching them will be out of the question. And, hopefully, I will have a job soon.

Yesterday, Quinn came home with a stack of applications and handed them to me, a grin adorning her face. I have no idea what she was so pleased about because, journal, these selections are deplorable. One was an application for a Subway! A Subway! Can you really imagine me, Rachel Berry, standing at the ready for each and every person who orders one of those cheap sandwiches? I think not, journal! I quickly discarded that one, then chose the more acceptable of the bunch. One was for a theater, which I don't find all that unappealing. Working in a movie theater is similar to being a star on Broadway, isn't it? This is not a direct comparison, by any means, but I am trying to make lemonade here since all I have are lemons.

Lemons…that reminds me. Yesterday, Tina wrote on my Facebook wall about how sorry she was that I hadn't been chosen to receive the scholarship at Julliard this year. Sorry? I highly doubt it! I'm sure that she wrote that on purpose, in a backhanded way of gloating that she was the one they had picked. Over me! How in any universe does that make sense? I am Rachel Berry! And she is just Tina Cohen-Chang. Julliard will rue the day they made that decision. Especially when my name is in lights and, in every interview, I inform the public that Julliard denied me a scholarship, giving it to Tina Cohen-Chang instead.

"Who?" they will ask.

Laughing, I will respond that Tina now works at a local Subway.

As it should be.

As it will be.

Rest assured, journal, that is not a guess but an accurate prediction of the future. Just you watch and see.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	4. Gone Awry

Gone Awry

When I was younger, Daddy and I used to watch this old black and white show called "The Twilight Zone." When things seem unusually off in my life, I refer to them as "Twilight Zonian." Today at the house, which is what I will now call the abode where Quinn, Artie, Matt, Mike and Finn (and Santana but only for a week!) dwell, there was a Twilight Zonian atmosphere. It didn't begin that way. This morning, everyone seemed more than grateful that I had prepared a lovely breakfast of French Toast, using my Great Grandma Sarah's recipe, and strawberries, that I had sliced at an angle instead of vertically or horizontally. Quinn especially enjoyed my breakfast, thanking me profusely. See, journal, we are on the road to best friend-dom!

Or…well, maybe. I text messaged Santana after my job interview at the movie theater (I was hired on the spot, of course) and she responded that she was busy with Quinn. How can we be the Three Amigos if they exclude me from their grand adventures? Though I was wounded that they excluded me, I decided that they probably had not meant to hurt me and are just not yet used to my presence in Los Angeles. So, after watching all the Soap Operas I had missed while out on job interviews (the internet comes in handy for these sorts of things, journal), I headed over to the house, bearing apple strudel that I discovered at a bakery near the hotel where I am currently staying (only about a week now, journal, until I am rooming with my future BFF…is that the correct acronym?).

And when I got there…Twilight Zonian.

I crept through the house, pausing in front of the door that leads to Quinn and Artie's bedroom. Most of the time, it is closed. When it is not, I usually go in but, this time, I hesitated, peeking inside. There, I saw Quinn, face down on the bed, Santana sitting on Artie's side. Our eyes met and, without her having to say a word, I knew it was not the best time. Leaving, I tiptoed to Matt's room, where I encountered Mike (he is so quiet I sometimes forget that he lives here also) sitting at the desk crammed in the corner, looking at a website that was, apparently, dedicated to some black hooded…comic book character. The character resembled a bat of some kind or perhaps a cat. I'm not certain.

"Mike," I said, startling him. "What's wrong with Quinn?"

Shrugging, he responded, "Don't know. There were loud voices then Artie left."

Puzzled, I left, shortly after he delivered his statement, depositing the baked good on the counter before doing so.

Journal, I am highly concerned that something has gone terribly awry between Quinn and Artie. Though I don't yet know what that something is, I aim to discover it by tomorrow. And I will, journal, because when Rachel Berry, that's me, sets her mind to a task, there is no stopping her!

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	5. Detective Extraordinaire

Detective Extraordinaire**  
**

Hello, journal! It is I, Rachel Berry, detective extraordinaire! I have discovered something about the Quinn/Artie situation…and it does not appear to be a pleasant discovery. Last night, instead of being snuggled up to his future bride, as he should have been, Artie was out! In a bar! Near my hotel!

I happened to be awake at one am this morning, practicing the lines I need to know for the movie theater job, when I glanced out my window to see Artie leaning against his truck door. Concerned, I immediately ran outside and found him to be murmuring about Quinn.

He wasn't quite drunk, more upset than inebriated, really, but I still wouldn't allow him to drive. Instead, we went into the hotel lobby, where I made him drink a bunch of water and implored him to tell me in detail what had occurred between him and Quinn. Though he was resistant, I managed to gather that Quinn's dad was in town and Quinn didn't tell him something.

I have met Quinn's father once, journal, and he is an extremely unpleasant man but I believe this is borne out of some sort of awkwardness rather than maliciousness. I can relate, as I have that same kind of awkwardness when dealing with society. Mine, however, comes off as adorable while his comes off as cruel and harsh. Whatever happened between Quinn and Artie, I'm sure, had something to do with him.

At around eight am, Artie forced me to let him leave, citing the need to talk to Quinn as his reason. I suppose he was absolutely correct but I was still wary about him driving. The solution presented itself in the form of me accompanying him to the house in taxi cab.

For hours, I sat in their living room, rising only once to peek, not spy, on them. Quinn was mumbling, as if she had just woken up out of some drug induced haze, which I know nothing about but Noah has informed me about to a certain extent. By her side, Artie comforted her until she fell back asleep.

Some time later, he exited the room and went into the kitchen, drinking about three large glasses of water, before telling me I should probably go home.

I didn't want to, journal, but I complied, reluctantly.

But, even though, I consider this to be a success! Did I not mention that when I put my mind to something there is no stopping me?

…I just checked the previous entry and I did indeed write that. I know myself so well.

Now, I really hope that Quinn and Artie can figure out how to solve their problems. If they don't, I admit, I will be distressed.

Otherwise, how can I be bridesmaid in their wedding?

But…they will. I am positive…mostly.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	6. Miserable

Miserable

I've come down with a terrible cold, overnight! In a very sweet gesture, Matt brought some homemade chicken noodle soup to my hotel room this afternoon. When I attempted to get him to divulge all details concerning Quinn and Artie, he shrugged, telling me he knew nothing. Though I'm not sure if he was being honest, I chose to take him at his word. Magnanimous of me, is it not, journal?

He stayed for a little over an hour, even watching All My Children with me, which was very kind, even if he did say, at one point, "This show is really stupid."

Not everyone can have impeccable taste like I do, I suppose.

After he left, I decided it might be best to take a short nap but my phone awoke me. As it was Maria, from West Side Story, I knew it was him.

Jesse.

I almost didn't answer but then, at the last minute, I grabbed the phone and pressed it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Rachel? You sound terrible."

Frowning, I informed him I had a cold.

"That's not good. So, anyway…how are you?"

"I am extraordinarily well, besides being sick of course. I'm moving in with Santana in less than a week now -"

"Santana?"

"And I have been bonding with Quinn and Artie and Matt. We're practically best friends. Moving out to Los Angeles was a wonderful decision on my part."

This was mostly the truth, journal! I may have embellished slightly but don't all people do that with their exes? And they will all be my BFFs (I have since learned that, yes, that is the correct acronym) in time so…truth. Sort of.

"That's…great. Uh…well, I just called to say hi. Glad things are so great for you. I, um…I have to go."

Without even a goodbye, he hung up. Now, on top of feeling miserable because of the cold and not being knowledgeable about whatever had transpired and is transpiring between Quinn and Artie, I feel even worse after that brief and very lame, a word I rarely use but one that is very fitting for this phone call, conversation._  
_

And now I'm about to fall asleep because of the cold medicine I took. Tomorrow, I will be MUCH better and I will go to the source on the Quinn/Artie issue: I will discuss the matter with Quinn herself!

Goodnight, lovely journal, goodnight.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	7. The Day That Turned Dismal

The Day That Turned Dismal

Today started out as a wonderful day. I leapt from my hotel bed at about six am, went for a jog around the block, drank an organic smoothie at this superb smoothie place near the hotel, showered, dressed then headed to the house.

Of course, Quinn was at work so I spent most of the day with Mike and Matt. Mike regaled me with tales of Hollywood tours, including vignettes about both people who went on the tours and celebrities they saw along the way. The most memorable involved a thirty something woman throwing herself from the bus in front of Orlando Bloom's motorcycle. As I have no idea who Orlando Bloom is, I do not understand the woman's fanaticism. When I said as much to Mike and Matt, they were appalled and forced me to watch a movie about pirates that starred Johnny Depp and that actress from the most recently made Pride and Prejudice movie (which holds no candle to the one in which Colin Firth plays Mr. Darcy!). It was quite fun and I have to admit that even with all that eyeliner on and his hair so unkempt, dreaded up as it was, Johnny Depp was quite sexy.

Once the movie was over, we all went to the diner where Matt and Santana work and got a free lunch! The food was somewhat greasy but, overall, quite tasty and they even offer a selection of vegan options! While at lunch, I detailed my plan to Mike and Matt and they both agreed to help.

We waited at the house for hours until Quinn finally came home. Ignoring us, she went into the bedroom, where Artie had been napping. She went in and he went out. In the kitchen, he pulled a carton of ice cream from the freezer, chose two spoons, then headed back to the bedroom. While they were there, supposedly eating an unhealthy amount of the frozen dessert in their depressed states, I, in hushed tones, informed Matt and Mike what they were to do once either Quinn or Artie again exited the bedroom.

This didn't happen for several minutes but, when it did, we were ready. The three of us ushered Quinn, who had wandered out of the bedroom, completely unaware of what was about to take place, into the bathroom. Confused, she opened her mouth, shutting it abruptly when Mike pushed Artie in.

Facing them, I explained that they needed to talk about their relationship.

"It doesn't matter what occurred between the two of you. Love really can conquer all but not if you don't discuss things. So, then, discuss! And, if you need me, I will be here, serving as your counselor during this intervention." When they just stared at me, I narrowed my eyes. "Discuss!"

But instead of acting on my command, they both slowly shook their heads and Artie chuckled quietly. "Rachel," he said. "We already talked and worked things out."

Artie was clearly not being truthful. When I revealed that I didn't believe him, Quinn attempted to lie to me too. Then Artie again. Then Quinn again.

Holding my chin high, I told them, "You two are attempting to escape, by using tactics only destined to fail with someone as clever as I am. Now, please, fix your broken relationship. You are not leaving until you do!"

Journal, what happened next was embarrassing. First, Quinn and Artie turned to one another, clasping hands. Then Santana stormed in, telling us to leave the bathroom, using colorful language. I was prepared to tell her my plan, believing she would back me, when Santana pointed at Quinn and Artie.

"And those two already worked it out so…"

As she trailed off, both Mike and Matt started quietly laughing . Feeling hurt and betrayed, I exited to the living room, all of them, minus Santana behind me. After a few minutes of intense apologizing, Quinn and Artie both assuring me that it was fine, Mike and Matt started laughing even harder.

By this point, I had had enough. I was only attempting to help two of my future best friends and those boys had taken advantage of my ignorance regarding Quinn and Artie reconciliation.

I hadn't gotten far when Matt grabbed my arm, spinning me around.

"Hey," he breathed. "Hey…whoa. Slow down there." Mike was right behind him, lips pushed out in an almost pout.

"Why should I slow down?" I demanded. "I thought we were friends but friends don't treat one another in such a manner."

Exchanging a guilty glance, the boys scuffed the ground with their toes. "Uh…" mumbled Mike. "We didn't mean to hurt you, Rachel. We were just having fun."

"At my expense!"

"Look," Matt said, taking my hand. "We didn't do it to hurt you, honest. So…we're sorry, okay?"

Reluctantly, I accepted the apology, making Matt swear he would give me his coveted double chocolate cake with chocolate frosting recipe (he agreed as I long promised to keep it secret, which I will to my grave).

It wasn't until I returned to the hotel that the day took a dismal turn.

Waiting for me in my inbox was an email from Jesse…informing me that he was engaged.

Engaged, journal! I do not know what to think about this, how to feel about this. We haven't even been broken up that long.

I am hurt and confused and long to never get out of bed but that is not an option, especially seeing as tomorrow is the big moving day.

For the first time since arriving here, I cannot muster enough strength to even care about that. I cannot muster enough strength to care about anything.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	8. Yellow Dresses

Yellow Dresses

The moving in day was rather unspectacular and did nothing to change my disposition. The sting of Jesse's engagement, so soon after our break up, was still fresh. However, I did not let my friends know that I was hurting, grateful for my superb acting skills. None had any idea that anything was wrong, thankfully. I do not think I could've handled sharing such a story with them so soon after the events occurred, even if they are my best friends. I will, though, in time. I have already decided that next weekend Quinn, Santana and myself will have a pajama party where we will indulge in soy ice cream and butter-less popcorn and I will pour my heart out to them, while they comfort me with kind words and many hugs.

It will be perfect, journal.

I must mention Matt's girlfriend, Heather, who accompanied him to moving day, with an express desire to help, although her idea of help included her standing to one side directing everyone else. I was not even aware he had a girlfriend but. apparently, he does. She informed me that they have been dating for three weeks. Journal, I do not like her. And do not be mistaken, my dislike is not bred out of jealousy. Though we do not know each other very well, Matt is not one I would consider anything but "friend." The simple truth is that Heather is obnoxious and Matt could do better. You may wonder, journal, who the right person for Matt is. I know the answer! Maya is the right person for Matt and I aim to play matchmaker! Maya is Heather's very sweet friend who actually assisted us with the moving. After some casual conversation, I just knew she was the one for Matt. Now, he needs to know this.

I planned on starting my matchmaking mission yesterday but, instead, I found myself on a wedding shopping spree with Quinn and Santana. We ordered the dresses us bridesmaids will be wearing in the Quinn/Artie (Quartie?) wedding. I attempted to hint that I would rather wear another color besides yellow but Quinn didn't pick up on my subtlety. I suppose that is alright. It is her wedding, after all. And, of course, I manage to look simply stunning in every color. I wish Jesse was invited to the wedding so he could see me in all my beauty on that day and beg me to take him back. My answer will be: "You could have won me back after our break up but you chose to become engaged instead. And now, you have lost any chance of regaining my heart."

Then I will float away, as he cries into his ascot.

Oh, journal, if only!

After I returned home from the wonderful shopping day, Noah called. It was delightful to hear his voice and my spirits, already lifted because of the time spent with Quinn and Santana, lifted even more.

"Noah!" I exclaimed. "It is so good to hear from you!"

"Yeah, yeah," he said, his voice gruff. "Course it is. It's me, Berry, so duh."

"How are you? When are you moving here? Did you get the letters I sent?"

"Slow down, Berry," he chuckled. "I'm okay. Moving there as soon as I can. Told you I gotta get the funds. And yeah, I got all thirty two of them."

"I only sent fifteen," I corrected him, with a slight roll of my eyes. People claim that I tend to over exaggerate but Noah is the King of it!

"Whatever. I read the last one-"

"You read all of them," I interrupted him, giggling a little. "Don't lie, Noah Puckerman!"

"Fine. I read all of them. Anyway, you seemed pretty p-oed at Jesse."

"Those were the laments of a broken hearted girl who hoped that the one she loved would follow her out to California but things have taken a turn for the worse, Noah."

"You always talk weird but, uh, what do you mean turn for the worse?"

It never ceases to amuse me when Noah feels overwhelmed by the words I use, comments on that, then what I actually said sinks in, causing somewhat of a reaction. This time, I could tell he was rather concerned. "He's engaged, Noah! Engaged! You know what this means, don't you? He must have been cheating on me! I see no other option."

There was a long pause, in which I thought that Noah had hung up, and then he growled a good bye and actually did hang up. I was quick to regret mentioning my thought about Jesse cheating. There was no telling what Noah would do to Jesse now. After sending ten text messages to Noah, none he replied to, I changed into my pajamas and re-watched all of last week's soaps, while lying on the futon in the room of the apartment I share with Santana.

They are just so addicting and lead me away from my real life for awhile, which I don't mind in the slightest.

In a few hours, I begin my job at the movie theater.

Wish me luck, journal!

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	9. Confusion

Confusion

My first day working at the theater was simply splendid, journal! The people I work with are all very nice and I believe that we may even move from being strictly co-workers to friends. I have never had so many friends in my life and it's different, in a good way, to finally be included. When I got home, I wanted to share everything with Santana but she seemed to be in a foul mood, speaking to me only long enough to inform me that she was taking a very long, hot bath and didn't wish to be disturbed. Period.

So, I was left to my own devices. I had just decided to watch a movie from my Audrey Hepburn collection, when my phone rang.

It was Jesse.

I wasn't quite sure I wanted to answer but I did anyway, issuing a plaintive, "Hello?" into the mouthpiece.

In response, he cursed several times.

There was no question in my mind as to why he was so upset. "Jesse, I'm-"

"What? Sorry? For telling your BFF Noah something that isn't true? Do you realize he came out to New York and beat the crap out of me?"

I had known that was going to happen but Noah had sure acted fast, wasting no time in enacting revenge on my former lover. "I hope you weren't dreadfully hurt but you know, you cheating on me-"

"Cheating on you? Rachel! I was always faithful to you."

Puzzled, I bit down, hard, on my bottom lip for several minutes. I'm sure he thought I had ended the call. Finally, I whispered, "Then why so soon after we broke up? It makes little sense, Jesse."

It was his turn to pause but his heavy breathing alerted me that he was still there. "You were so happy. Everything was great for you. I barely know this girl. We went on one date, after you left for Los Angeles and…I wanted everything to be great for me too. But it's not great! I miss you, Babs. And, on top of that, now I have a broken nose, a black eye, a busted lip, and three very tender ribs."

Hearing his nickname for me, I almost cried, journal. Plus, he misses me! I feel so awful for Noah's actions on my behalf, especially in light of this recent discovery. "I am sorry, Jesse. I talked to Noah about it but I didn't know he would do something like this…"

Bitterly, he said, "You should have known," then hung up.

No amount of Audrey would help me figure things out. If only Santana were more emotionally available and willing to discuss this with me!

I am so very confused.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	10. Operation Hat!

Operation Hat

Today, I was innocently selling popcorn at the movie theater when a small child ran behind the counter and poured his soda all over me. By poured, I mean removed the lid and threw the liquid at me so that it splashed on my top, pants, feet and a little even got on my face. Once his parents had retrieved him, I expected they would speak to him about his naughty behavior. Instead, they yelled at me for allowing him behind the counter and told him he was adorable!

What kind of parenting is that, journal? To reward his bad behavior only means he might grow up to be like…Noah! Of course, Noah is not like that anymore but he was somewhat of a delinquent in high school. You see, journal, Noah just needed a good influence. I was that influence. I must also give some of the credit to Santana and his love for her.

Writing of Santana reminds me that she has been acting rather peculiar. This morning, I asked her if something was the matter but she quickly shook her head no then practically ran from the apartment. These are not the typical actions taken by a BFF or Santana, in general. In addition, I was really hoping to discuss the Jesse situation with her. But since she vacated the premises and wasn't home when I got off work, I decided to call Quinn.

"Hello, Quinn. How are you this fine evening? I was hoping -"

"Awful!" she exclaimed, somewhat loudly, in my ear. "Matt's horrible girlfriend came over and was horrible."

"Oh!" Delighted that we had the dislike of Matt's girlfriend in common, I said, in a rush of words, "She is horrible! Simply detestable! I do not know what Matt sees in her. I'm convinced it's a relationship based solely on her physical appearance and whatever they do behind closed doors, which I think is an appalling foundation for a relationship. Further-"

"I wish they would break up," Quinn interrupted. I overlooked her rudeness because her statement correlated with my mission.

"Operation take down Hat!"

"Excuse me?"

"I would very much like to break them up, Quinn. And then direct Matt's attention to the adorably sweet Maya. We could work together!"

I expected that I would need to coax her into reluctantly agreeing but she seemed enthusiastic about assisting me in my endeavor, though she was quick to remind me she also had work and a wedding to plan. I assured her that I would do most of the legwork. After settling it, we hung up, but not before she made me promise to keep our arrangement a secret. Obviously I was going to do that!

I was so excited, journal, to be conspiring with Quinn that it completely slipped my mind the main reason I called her. I suspect that I will have another opportunity to mention it in the future, especially since Quinn and I will be planning the demise of Hat.

I cannot wait!

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	11. A Pleasant Surprise!

_Author's Note: Feel free to answer Rachel's question at the end...does it?_

A Pleasant Surprise!

Today, Santana and I received the most unexpected and delightful surprise! We had just woken up, at about eight in the morning, which is rather late for me but early for Santana, who only rises that early when she has to work, when we heard a knock at the door.

"You expecting someone?" she asked, mouth half full of cereal.

"I am not," I told her, standing to answer the door. I had the slightest notion that it could be Jesse, finally coming after me but, when I opened the door, it was Noah! "Noah!" I cried, throwing myself at him.

"Jeez, Berry," he laughed, lightly hugging me in return. "You act like I'm the prodigal son returned or something."

Pleased that he knew such a reference, meaning his college education was acting upon him, I hugged him tighter. "I am so glad you are here, Noah," I whispered.

"Yeah, me too," he said, softly, back. "Santana here?"

Lighting up, I stepped away from him. "Yes, she's in the kitchen, eating breakfast!"

He followed me into the kitchen where Santana, once seeing Noah, looked very surprised but not in an I'm-so-happy way. In fact, it was the exact opposite, journal.

I did not and do not understand her reaction. Her true love traveled all the way across the country to be with her and she stares, then hurries from the room, citing not wanting to be late for work as the reason? Something is wrong, of this I am sure.

Noah was completely deflated so I determined that I would distract him by showing him around the great city of Los Angeles. Mike gave us a Hollywood Tour for free and then we went to a late lunch at this little bistro that is my absolute favorite. I told him all about the Quartie wedding and the abominable Hat.

"Quinn's letting you be in her wedding?" he asked, after taking the biggest bite of a sandwich I have ever seen.

"Letting me? What do you mean? I was obviously going to be a bridesmaid since her and I are such good friends." For the first time, doubt assailed me. Quinn and I hadn't been such close friends before I had moved to Los Angeles. Perhaps she had only allowed me to be a part of her wedding party because she felt sorry for me. Frowning, I poked at the vegan wrap I had ordered.

"Hey," Noah said, enveloping one of my hands with his. "Quinn isn't the type of person who just lets things she don't want to happen happen. If she didn't want you in the wedding, she would have said so."

Smiling a little, I corrected him, "Doesn't," then went on to say, "And you are absolutely correct."

"Course I am. Now what's this about some hat?"

Giggling, I explained the difference between a hat and Hat. Noah didn't seem to understand my issue with Heather but I'm sure he will, in time.

Tonight, Noah is sleeping on the couch. Santana didn't invite him to her room so that is his temporary sleeping place until he can find somewhere to live.

I do hope that the two of them will talk tomorrow.

Also, journal, I've been thinking that "Signed" seems much too formal for us, especially since we have gotten well acquainted so now I will be changing it up, as Noah might say.

As always,

_Rachel Berry_

(Does that seem appropriate? I like it but I am not yet sure…I will have to think upon it)


	12. Friendships

_Author's Note: Due to the ficathon, my journal stories have been getting neglected! Here's a little something! Read and review, please. :)_

Friendships

Last night, Quinn and I had girl time! I've never had girl time before. Although I had believed our time spent together would revolve mostly around plotting out how to undermine Hat, we ended up reliving the pleasant times of our high school days. Mostly, we discussed that first year of glee club and we agreed that, despite the many hardships, it was the best. And then Quinn said it would have been better had we been friends then! Which means only one thing, journal: BFF-ness ahead! I knew we were on the path to best friend-dom! And I was completely correct, of course. Next, Santana!

I attempted to get Santana to open up to me today but she told me to stay out of her life. She actually said, in a very harsh tone, "We are not best friends, Berry. We are only roommates. So don't expect me to share the details of my personal life with you." After that, she slammed the door in my face! Today's interaction with her only proves that it will be that much more difficult as we make our way down the road to becoming BFFs but I know that it is possible. I know, journal, that it will happen!

Though Santana did not open up to me, someone quite unexpected did. You'll never guess who…

It was Finn!

He revealed to me, while I was at the house last night preparing dinner for Quinn and myself, that he is planning on moving back to Lima!

It's almost like us former glee club members are playing musical cities! Next, Mike will announce he's moving to New York!

Is it terribly horrible of me that I will not be the least bit saddened to see him go? It's not as if I will be happy either. I will feel nothing, reallly. We don't have any connection, even though we used to. Maybe that in itself is a bit sad. I do not know.

He asked me not to tell anyone so of course I have not. I almost told Quinn but held myself back. I think I should get an award for that, journal. And I will place it alongside my Tony's and Emmy's and Grammy's and all the other awards I accumulate over the years.

I must be leaving for work here shortly, journal.

Goodbye!

Sincerely,

_Rachel Berry_

(I'm not sure I'm fond of Sincerely…)


	13. A Movie with the Boys

A Movie with the Boys

One of the benefits of being employed at a movie theater is that I get to view movies before the general public gets to view them. I would not care about this so much myself but I have friends that label it "cool" and "awesome." Last night, I snuck three of those friends into some action movie with someone named… I cannot recall his name! Jacob Stanam? Something like that. I was rather apprehensive about it, thinking I could very well get in trouble. Noah told me to "chill out." Matt told me everything would be fine and could he invite Heather? (To which I replied with a resounding NO) Mike asked if I could also "score" them some free popcorn. (I did indeed do that, even throwing in some candy and soda to "sweeten the deal," as Noah might say)

Honestly, these boys are lucky they have such a patient and good friend as me.

I sat between Matt and Noah, with Mike on Matt's other side. They were mostly good, although at one point got into a mini-popcorn fight. After the movie was over, I made them clean up their mess, which took awhile and was accompanied by much complaining. I reminded them that I do this daily and politely asked if they would cease with their whining (they did).

Halfway through the film, a very boring movie filled with unnecessary expletives and far too many things exploding, Jesse text messaged me.

"Rachel. Hey. Thinking about you. Thought I'd say hi."

The short and random message reminded me that I have still never spoken to Quinn on the issue. It also hurt a lot, journal. I think Noah must have sensed my pain (or read the message over my shoulder. I believe that is what he probably did considering the actions that followed) because he plucked my phone out of my hands, placed it in one of the front pockets of his jeans, then slid his arm around my shoulders. As I leaned against him, I felt very thankful that he had come out to Los Angeles.

All my writing on my future best friends may lead you, journal, to believe that I had no real friends prior to moving here.

That is simply not true.

I had Noah. I have Noah. He is my best friend.

With all the warmest regards,

_Rachel Berry_

(that is simply awful, is it not journal? Oh, nothing seems right)


	14. The Other Night

The Other Night

Journal, the other night was terrible! Simply awful! I will leave out most of the details, as I do not feel like reliving them. It all started when Jesse showed up at my door, holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Jesse, what…" I trailed off, not sure how to complete the sentence I had begun.

"Rachel, I need to say something." He cleared his throat then came to a pause when he spied Noah over my shoulder. "What is he doing here?" he hissed, clearly not pleased.

"He lives here with Santana and I," I stated, crossing my arms over my chest. "And that is all. I have told you time and time again that you need not be jealous of my relationship with Noah and I can see that old look in your eyes."

"I am not…I was not!" Frustrated, he through the flowers to the ground.

"Who is it, Rach?" Rising from his position on the couch, Noah came to my side, mouth dropping open once he spotted who was there. "Jesse? You need to leave."

There never is much preamble with Noah.

"I don't need to go anywhere." As if to make his point, Jesse stalked inside, shutting the door behind him.

Fearful that the exchange might come to blows, I immediately called Quinn, pleading with her to come over as soon as possible. Because she is my best friend, she was soon there, Artie in tow.

What transpired next was not pleasant at all, journal. Noah punched Jesse! After Jesse baited him, of course. I was so upset I asked Jesse to leave. He complied but not without claiming, yet again, that I have feelings for Noah. I do not have feelings for Noah! Beyond friendship, obviously.

That's when I embarrassingly burst into tears. I stood there, tears streaming down my face, as Noah snuck out. He does not like to deal with "crying female emotional stuff" so this was no surprise. Quinn and Artie, however, stayed until I fell asleep. I am very fortunate to have friends like them, journal. Very fortunate, indeed.

Forever and always,

_Rachel Berry_


	15. Gone Forever

GONE FOREVER

Journal! Santana left! I had plans for our friendship and now she is GONE. FOREVER. Well, maybe not forever but for an undetermined amount of time. And it's partially my fault!

The morning started out normally, as I rose at six am and Santana rose a few hours later. Noah wasn't there that morning and when he finally returned, at noon, he seemed somewhat…hung over. He stumbled to Santana's side, grasped her by the waist and asked her to talk to him. At the smell of his breath, she pushed him away.

"You're wasted, Puck," she muttered.

"C'mon, San," he said, slightly slurring his words. "C'mon. What's going on with us? I miss you." He tried to place a sloppy kiss on her lips but she moved away.

"Puck, stop it."

"I came here so we can be together."

"Funny because you have been spending all your free time with Rachel."

At this, I jumped to my feet. "He has only been spending time with me because you are too busy spending time with Finn!"

Although I did not know if this was true, I still made the accusation. When her face paled, I realized that maybe I had been closer to the mark than I thought.

"Shut up, Rachel! I can spend time with Finn if I want! It's not like I love him or anything!"

I do not know what exactly she was insinuating, journal, but I felt myself wanting to deny that there might be feelings between Noah and myself that extend beyond friendship. First Jesse, now Santana. Sometimes, a friendship is just a friendship.

"San-" Noah began.

"I made out with him ONE TIME!" At the words, her eyes grew large and watery. She looked from Noah to me and then back again before bolting to her room. Later, she announced that she was leaving for Texas in a few days and that was that. She would not even allow Noah or myself to talk her out of it.

I feel so incredibly guilty, journal. I should not have given voice to my suspicions about Santana and Finn. I did not even believe them myself, to be honest, I just grew defensive over her treatment of Noah, the one person who I have been able to count on in recent years (besides my father's, of course).

She left today and after she was gone, Noah dragged me inside, to Mike and Matt's room, since we said our goodbyes at the house, and almost collapsed upon me! I did what any good friend would do in such a situation: I held him and told him I would always be here for him.

And, journal, I will. I will always be here for him, no matter what.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_

(yes, I'm back to signed. The others were just not working out!)


	16. Best Friends! and Noah

Best Friends! and Noah

Quinn admitted to being my best friend today, journal! She didn't actually say those words but when I called her my best friend, she smiled and laughed a little bit and I take that as confirmation. When I told Noah about it, he gave me this look, the one he gives me he thinks I'm being "weird" but I was not being weird! I am just very excited about the genuine friendship developing between myself and Quinn. In high school, such a friendship would have been beyond possible, situations what they were, but now that we are past those juvenile days of puppy love and learning how to learn from our mistakes, we can truly start on the path to friend-dom.

If Noah read all I just wrote, he would mock me to no end. But I would, in turn, tell him it is all true.

In other news, Operation Hat has come to an end. Quinn believes that Matt needs to realize the utter mistake in dating that imbecile on his own. After some consideration, I concur. I need to trust that Matt will come to the conclusion that he could do much better than her. I believe he will. I have faith, journal!

I must share the sweet task that Noah performed for me this evening! After I arrived home from lunch, I took a respite in my room and when I awoke, I smelled something delicious. I figured that Noah was cooking a non-vegan meal for himself but I was pleasantly surprised when I walked into the kitchen to find that he made a completely vegan meal of lasagna and salad!

"Noah, this is…well, this is very kind," I told him, giving him a hug.

"Yeah, yeah," Noah retorted, sort of hugging me back. "It's just a frozen thing. Saw it at the grocery market and thought of you so I got it. Oh, by the way, got hired at the grocery market."

"Oh!" I exclaimed, while setting the small table in the kitchen. "That is wonderful, Noah! I will have to visit you at work sometime and bring cookies! I know how much you love my cookies."

"Do love 'em, Berry." Once we were both seated, we began eating, Noah mostly devouring his food, getting some sauce on his chin.

"Oh, Noah," I giggled, grabbing a napkin and wiping it off. "You just consume your food!"

Half grinning, he said, "Yeah, guess vegan food ain't that bad, huh?"

I refrained myself from the almost automatic, "Ain't isn't a word, Noah," opting instead to say, "No, it's not. It's superb!"

After dinner, we watched a movie on the couch. And he let me pick! I decided that we could watch one of the comedies that he seems to enjoy since I don't abhor them as I do those action movies he loves. It was a very nice evening. I think that living with Noah is a good thing, journal, a very good thing.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	17. Born to be a Star!

_Author's Note: My, how I have neglected my journal stories. But I'm back! I feel like I had difficulty getting back into my Rachel voice but I did try lol. Question: who do as readers believe Rachel would make the best match with? Granted, she hasn't had much if any interaction with Jesse but...leave your opinions and I will weigh them._

Born to be a Star!

Journal, Quinn is my very best friend in the whole world! At least, that is how I am feeling this very moment. She listened to me go on and on about all my problems and only interjected to offer me advice. And it was good advice! I never believed that we would be good friends like this in high school, not as we were both in love with the same person.

On that note, why were we in love with him? I sincerely do not understand it. Finn is nice but clearly not meant for either Quinn or myself and yet he was the obstacle to our friendship. What a pity.

At least we are over Finn now and can bond in the present!

I was feeling so grateful that I told myself I would begin baking the cake I promised for her as soon as I arrived at the apartment I share with Noah. However, thoughts of Jesse would not leave me. I admitted to Quinn that I'm still in love with him and she believes the best course of action would be to discuss said feelings with him. I do not think it will be easy but she is correct about me being afraid of getting hurt. I am fearful of that and Jesse has more power than anyone ever has over my heart. He could easily break it, especially since what I feel for him I've never felt for anyone.

Fishing my cell phone out of my purse, I called his number, my breath growing shorter with every ring. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I am not certain), he did not answer. I could have hung up but I chose to leave a short voicemail.

"Hello, Jesse. It's Rachel. I feel I must talk to you about something. Please return this call as soon as possible."

After I left the message, I sent Santana an email expressing my regret over what I had revealed about her relationship with Finn to Puck.

Once that was complete, I started the cake, my mind on the next important task that had surfaced when talking to Quinn. I have neglected my love of the stage here in Los Angeles and that is about to change, journal. Tomorrow I plan on going to every theater, be it community or not, looking for opportunities to audition.

I am Rachel Berry and I was born to be a star! Be it in New York, Los Angeles or the farthest reaches of the earth! Just you wait, journal! My name will be lights!

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	18. Getting Somewhere

Getting Somewhere

Where to start, journal? I suppose with Santana's email! It was good! She emailed me back, informing me that she in no way blamed me for her departure. She explained she simply needed time to think about the situation with Finn and with Noah. She admitted that while she loved Noah she also felt she might have been falling in love with Finn. But Noah was her first love, her first everything. It's all very complicated! And I'm not just writing that because she did! It does seem complicated. I'm certain that being surrounded with her relatives in Texas will help her though. Sometimes time is helpful like that, journal. And she also requested that I not tell Noah! And I shan't! My lips are very much sealed!

Jesse returned my call but, unfortunately, I missed him so he had to resort to leaving a voice message. And then I left him a voice message. Then he left me one. And I have just left him another. This game of phone tag is getting simply ridiculous, journal! It is important that I speak to him eventually but at the moment, I am fearing that will never happen!

Oh, and more good news! I auditioned for the only female role in The Death of a Salesman at a local production company and got the role! Rehearsals start at the end of this week. Quinn and Artie and everyone at the house promised that they would come to see the first performance.

And Noah. Well, Noah told me he would attend every performance. All five of them! And he bought me flowers and made me dinner. He handmade the vegan pizza dough! And for dessert, he bought us soy ice cream. He can be so very thoughtful sometimes. I really do enjoy being friends with him. He is so kind. The night was practically perfect, as it ended with a musical. The Sound of Music to be exact. I fell asleep in Noah's arms and that is where I awoke this morning. I felt more relaxed then I have in awhile. It was nice.

And now, I must practice my lines for the show!

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	19. Memorization and Run Away Cats

Memorization and Run Away Cats

I have memorized all my lines for the play and made Noah play all the male parts to help me. We stayed up until three a.m. the last two mornings, going over the lines and laughing a lot. I really do enjoy my time with Noah. Sometimes I feel as if he understands me better than anyone. And we balance each other, in a way. Noah calls me "intense," and I suppose I am, while he is very much laid back. I believe that is why we make such good friends!

I still have not heard from Jesse. My guess is that he has been busy and has not had time to return my last call. I'm certain he is in a play or engaged in…something that is keeping him from me. It will all get sorted out eventually. I just hope it does not take too much longer, journal! I'm not sure how much more of this I can take!

Oh, and Quinn and Artie's cat has run away! Quinn blames Mike but I do not think he is entirely at fault. From his rendition of the tale and hers and Artie's, it seems the cat was simply curious about outdoors and got out, due to Mike's memory lapse. Regardless, Quinn is very upset, Mike feels terrible and Artie is sighing a lot. I have agreed to help Quinn search for the cat tomorrow, since I'm not working. I know that I have rehearsals the day after next but I feel mostly prepared, thanks to Noah.

I expressed my gratitude to him earlier, for all his help, and he gave me strange look and then said, "Don't worry 'bout it, Berry."

"I'm not worried, Noah," I informed him. "Just grateful to have a friend such as yourself." Leaning forward, I brushed my lips against his cheek, surprised when he jerked back.

The expression on his face then, journal…was it conflicted? I am not certain nor do I have the slightest idea what he could be conflicted about. I was posed to ask him that very question but something stopped me. I'm not sure what it was. Perhaps I shall ask another time.

Now, I am going to rehearse some more, by myself tonight, before attempting to get a few hours of sleep. Then, in the morning, Quinn and I shall pound the pavement in search of Audrey!

(Oh, clichés that are overused…I do not know why I love them so)

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	20. A Dreadful Situation

_Author's Note: I apologize for the long delay in getting this chapter out. I have been feeling uninspired for months! Even though it has been months since I updated, it has only been weeks in Rachel's world. If you are so inclined, please review! Thanks!_

A Dreadful Situation

Oh my, oh my, oh my! Journal, I have been so distressed that I could not bring myself to put pen to paper for the last couple of weeks. But as it is now October and a new month, I thought perhaps it time to finally discuss, albeit it with you, a non entity that cannot speak back to me, what occurred.

It was the day after Audrey returned. When I received Quinn's text message I was overjoyed that their kitty had found its way home. I decided, in my joy, to splurge somewhat, purchasing two slices of vegan chocolate pie at the bakery closest to the apartment.

Walking into the apartment, I exclaimed the news to Noah, finding him on the couch, watching a sporting event on the television. In response, he grunted, his eyes only lighting up when he saw the pie. Moving over, to give me room on the couch, he grabbed the pies from me, placing them on the coffee table. Wordlessly, he stood up and went to the kitchen, returning moments later with two forks, two glasses of milk, whole for him, soy for me, and two napkins. After he had everything arranged, he looked up at me and in his eyes, the expression I saw. I cannot describe it, journal. A mix of hunger and affection.

Unnerved, I silently ate my pie, while he continued to stare at me, thoughtfully.

I had just decided I must say something, when he brought a thumb to my chin, gently rubbing the area right under my lip. "What? Noah?" I asked curiously, turning my eyes to him.

"Had something," he said, his voice low. "There." Swallowing as we made eye contact, he leaned forward.

Oh, journal, a thousand things were running through my mind at that moment as I sat there frozen.

And then he kissed me. Noah kissed me! On the mouth! We have done it before but this time felt different. I cannot explain it in words. It is much too difficult, with my feelings as jumbled as they are presently.

So he kissed me. Slowly, fearfully, I kissed him back, an experiment of sorts. We kissed and kissed until I started to feel dizzy but I wanted more and more. My brain was screaming to stop, that this was wrong. That Noah was, is, my best friend. And Santana! It was the insertion of her name into my mind that gave me the strength to finally end the kiss.

"What about Santana?" I asked, quietly, as I gazed into his brown eyes.

Blinking, Noah shook his head. "I…don't know," he told me, rising to his feet.

After that, I didn't see him for two days, despite the fact that we live together.

In the duration, I ran into Matt and he, somehow, guessed what had happened, though I did not confirm his suspicions but he knows. How did he guess? He must be clairvoyant! Luckily, no one else has even been suspicious that anything has gone amuck.

I figured Noah and I had to talk, after those two days, so I attempted a conversation but was completely rebuffed. We still have not talked. I have a feeling we will not. He clearly regrets what happened, clearly still has feelings for Santana and was…using me? I do hate that word. And I do not think that is what happened. I cannot believe that.

However, that he thinks of it as a mistake, I am sure.

But how do I feel about it?

I'm starting to wonder if my feelings for Noah are truly platonic. Does it really matter though since he does not feel the same?

Oh, it is all making me sick.

Hopefully it will sort itself out. But I am fearful that it will not.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	21. What a Mess!

What a Mess!

Journal, I feel so out of sorts. Noah, Jesse, Santana. Every night, as I lay in bed attempting to sleep, their faces run constantly through my head! Oh, what a mess this is.

I have stopped attempting to coerce Noah into speaking with me upon the matter. This is because I have been thinking about it too much and have come to a conclusion: I might have feelings for him.

No, I do not love him the way I love Jesse. But I could. I could love him differently than I have loved Jesse but still in a romantic context. He is my best friend but is more than that. I am attracted to him, of course, I feel comfortable with him, I can talk to him about a number of things with great ease. The transition from best friends to romantic partners in life would not be difficult to make.

But how many people would we be upsetting in the process? I know that Santana has feelings for both Noah and Finn but that does not mean she wouldn't be hurt if something transpired between Noah and myself. Although something already has! And I'm sure she would be hurt if she knew.

I never should have kissed Noah back! But I did and I cannot take it back now. Plus, journal, I enjoyed it. Immensely.

I feel guilty that the above is true.

I also feel guilty that I have not spoken to Quinn about any of this but I do not want to drag her into this drama! However, I got confirmation that she is my best friend the other day! She caught me, after I had been trying to avoid her (though why I was at her home while avoiding her is beyond me), in the kitchen, blocking my only way of escape, arms folded over her chest.

"What's going on, Rachel?"

I did the only thing I was sure would work. While looking over her shoulder, I frowned and said, "Artie?"

She turned her head and I bolted. I feel guilty about that bit of deception too!

I feel guilty about a great many things, journal.

I am pushing it all out of my mind right now, though, as I am returning Jesse's call. Maybe this time I will actually get to speak to him instead of his voicemail…

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	22. Goodbye, St Berry

Goodbye, St. Berry

Jesse has been such a large part of my life and has helped to shape so much of who I am presently that it was difficult to say goodbye to him. But that is what I did. What we did.

We talked for hours the other night when he called, about our relationship, about us as individuals. We both spent an ample amount of time crying into our phones but that is to be expected when permanently parting from a relationship (though I did not react this way with Finn but, then, I never loved Finn the way I did and do Jesse).

You may be curious, journal, as to why we ended the relationship if I claim to love Jesse so much? It is a complicated matter. What it boils down to is that yes, we love each other but we cannot imagine getting married to one another. We cannot imagine making any kind of long term commitment to each other period. I did not even bring Noah up but that didn't matter. Jesse and I were good together but we are not meant for one another.

What does this mean for Noah and I? While I certainly still feel propelled to talk to Noah, I am not at all ready for another relationship, even if I was so desirous of one.

I am thinking that I should discuss this matter with Quinn but thus far my attempts to do so have all resulted in me stuttering then turning the conversation the wedding, which I have been assisting Quinn with. I know I have been a great helper to her! But I do need to talk to someone and who better than my best friend?

On top of everything, the premiere of the play is fast approaching! Of course, I am completely ready and expect to get the best review of the cast (I would not expect anything less) but that does not mean I have zero anxiety! Though is shouldn't! I know this but I have it anyway!

AND Matt asked what I was going to dress as for Halloween. I have no idea!

And there's more! I didn't attend temple on any of the High Holy days this year and I feel very guilty. Noah didn't either, to my knowledge, so at least he could sympathize with me on the matter. If we ever speak again.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	23. The Continuation of the Noah Situation

The Continuation of the Noah Situation

I bought my Halloween costume yesterday! I went with Quinn. She selected a fairy costume that is white. It is that type of material that changes color when the light hits it. The wings of the costume almost appear to be made of gossamer. I am sure Artie will find her to be very beautiful.

But my costume is better! I am curious what Noah will think of it though I would not dare to ask him. I have a feeling I know what his comment would be anyway.

I am going to be a strawberry!

I can hear Noah's voice in my head. "You look good enough to eat, Berry," with a wink! He is so crass sometimes! And impish! But in such a way that is also adorable and loveable…

What am I writing?

Journal, I am at my wits end with the Noah situation. I told Quinn about it yesterday but did not give her a chance to delve into the matter of my feelings surrounding the issue. That is far too complicated to put into words though, so it wouldn't have mattered if she had asked since I would not have an answer.

There was a slight incident between the two of us earlier. I was in the kitchen, making myself dinner, when he came in. He did not say anything to me. All he did was open the refrigerator and stand there, staring into it. Of course, I became quite worried over his frozen state. How could I not be?

"Noah," I called out. "Are you alright?"

The sound of my voice startled him and he jumped, bumping against the refrigerator. A curse word exited his mouth and a scowl crossed his face. "Fine," he mumbled, before bolting.

Is this the way things will be between us? We used to be able to talk about almost anything and now we can't even be in the same room together! Which is a precarious situation considering we live together.

Oh, I am torn asunder! And I cannot have this type of stress right now. The play is starting next month, which is three weeks away, and I need to be prepared for that, having no tension whatsoever. This tension from this situation I can feel in my back and my neck.

Perhaps I should get a massage. I could suggest a spa day! For me, Matt and Quinn! I think that sounds wonderful!

Right now, however, I think I shall just sleep. I am exhausted, due to all of this emotional turmoil I have been experiencing.

Goodnight, my journal!

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	24. Noah's Lips

Noah's Lips

Today I resolved that I would talk to Noah and I did! But things did not go as planned.

I approached Noah after work, holding my chin up high.

"Noah, I desire to speak with you on a matter of the utmost importance," I told him. "I have been going over the matter in my mind, more times than I care to admit, and -"

"You don't need to give a speech, Berry," he said, with a resigned sigh, standing to his feet. "We've been avoidin' this long enough. And what it is is this. We kissed…uh, made out really and…" Raising a hand to the back of his head, he rubbed his fingers up and down his Mohawk. "It don't have to mean anything, okay?" Lowering his voice, he looked up at me and my stomach clenched. I do not know why I felt so sick at that moment or why I felt like crying.

"Because it cannot, Noah," I whispered. "You are my best friend and -"

"Yeah, you're mine and I've been ignoring these feelings for a long time but I get that you don't want to -"

And then, journal, I couldn't help myself. I flung myself at him, sliding my arms around him, pressing my lips to his. He responded almost immediately, drawing me close to him. This time, the exchange between us was much more heated than the last. It went on for much longer too. But I had to end it when he picked me up, carrying me in his arms bridal style, while still kissing me, toward my bedroom.

"Noah, Noah, wait!" I cried, breathlessly, bracing my hands on his shoulders. "We cannot do this!"

"Huh," was his dazed reply. Blinking a couple of times, he finally set me down, looking somewhat confused. "Oh, uh, right."

"We did not finish our conversation. And this…this makes things awkward," I told him, wringing my hands. "I was hoping we could attend the Halloween party as friends."

"I'd like that," he said, slowly. "And yeah, good thing you stopped 'cause what I wanted to say was…I do got feelings for you Rachel but…" Hesitating slightly, he glanced at me, looking about as adorable as one person can look.

"Santana," I finished for him, not liking the pain saying her name produced in my heart.

"Santana," he confirmed, nodding. "Got feelings for both of you. I'm…sorry."

"Do not be sorry, Noah." I moved towards him but stopped myself. "It is okay, I promise. I understand. And perhaps we should withhold from any physical contact."

He gulped audibly at my choice of words. "Uh, yeah, right. I'll…uh, guess that's it then."

"Yes," I whispered. I believe that I was very close to kissing him again, journal, and I do not know why. Have I suddenly lost all control? And why is this happening now?

Holding my hands close to my chest, I watched as he went into the kitchen. Taking a deep breath, I made my way to my room, throwing myself on my bed once inside.

It feels as if we resolved things to a degree but, mostly, made them only more complicated!

I do not like this, journal, at all.

And I cannot stop thinking about Noah's lips on mine…

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


	25. A Halloween Which Could Have Been Better

A Halloween Which Could Have Been Better

When Noah saw me in my strawberry costume, he quipped, "Looking good enough to eat, Berry." But instead of winking, as he had in my imagination, he grimaced, then walked outside, waiting for me to join him there. I hate that I know him so well, that I had known what his comment would be upon seeing me. But, at the same time, I do not. At the same, journal, I love that I know him so well that I can predict his response. I have not known anyone else nearly well enough to do the same with them.

Noah drove us to the house in his truck but it was a precarious situation, considering my strawberry costume. After several minutes, I figured out how I could sit in it and buckled myself in, thinking that Noah's lack of wise cracks was not like him. But of course, he wouldn't make any because of what had transpired between us. Curse my emotions and our hormones!

At the house, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Matt is no longer dating Heather but is now with Maya! I had to restrain myself from bombarding the couple with questions about how they ended up dating. I want to know every single detail! They were dressed as Frakenstein and his bride. Mike and Finn were two cartoon characters I am not familiar with. And Quinn was a fairy and Artie a superhero. Noah was himself, which disappointed me a bit, though I did not tell him that.

I rode to the party with Quinn and Artie, to my relief, as I don't think I could have taken another awkward minute with Noah. I actually had a wonderful time at the party! The host had a tray full of the sweetest and juiciest fruits, which I sampled throughout the duration of the evening. I danced with Finn, Matt, Mike, Artie and even Quinn, though I kept my distance from Noah. Or he kept his from mine. Or, most likely, both.

Until around ten p.m., when we had an encounter in a hallway. I had just finished using the bathroom and was headed toward the living area, when we came face to face in the hall.

"N-Noah," I stammered, blushing. "Are you h-having a lovely time?"

"Sure," he grunted, turning his eyes to the floor. "You?"

"I am." And then, journal, I wanted to kiss him. I almost did but managed to get a hold of myself and speed away. I spotted Quinn and Artie on their way toward the door and asked if I could go with them. On the way to the house, I tried to distract myself from thinking about Noah by talking about everything but him.

It didn't work.

Upon arriving in mine and Noah's apartment, sometime later, I took a long, hot shower. Though perhaps I needed a cold one.

I hate all of this, journal!

I cannot stop sighing.

Signed,

_Rachel Berry_


End file.
